Humor Page


"Joke Picks of the Week
found in my e-mail
from Texas, Ark. N.C. friends.




A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend,
who is
 ahead by a couple of strokes.
"Boy, I'd give anything to
sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then,
 a stranger walks up beside him and whispers,
"Would you be
 Willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy
 and his answer will be
the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so
he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again,
"Gee, I sure
 would like to get an eagle on this one."
The same stranger
 is at his side again and whispers,
"Would it be worth
 giving up another fourth of your sex life? Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. 
Without waiting for him to say anything,
the stranger quickly moves
 to his side and says,
 "Would winning this match be worth giving
up the rest of your sex life?" "Definitely," the golfer 
replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger 
walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair 
with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the Devil, and 
from this day forward you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies,
 "I'm Father




 These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,
and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
  ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
  WITNESS:     He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
  ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
  WITNESS:     My name is Susan!

:  Now doctor , isn't it true
 that when a person dies in his sleep ,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
  WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?

  ATTORNEY:  The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
  WITNESS:      He's 20 , much like your IQ.

  ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right?
  WITNESS:     Yes.
  ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
  WITNESS:    None.
  ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?
  WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
 Can I get a new attorney?

  ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
  WITNESS:     By death..
  ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
  WITNESS:     Take a guess.
     ATTORNEY:  Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
  WITNESS:     All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
  ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
  WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
  ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
  WITNESS:     If not , he was by the time I finished.
  ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
  WITNESS:     No.
  ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
  WITNESS:     No.
  ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
  WITNESS:     No..
  ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible
that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
  WITNESS:     No.
  ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
  WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
  ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
  WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible
 that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth.    


Jokes About Texas

Back To "Ask The Crystal Lady"